he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
