Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
