I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
