You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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