i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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