I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize