I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
