Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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