If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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