I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
