My balls are so social today.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize