I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize