i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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