I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
