ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
