DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize