if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
