Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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