it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Randomize
