I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
