Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
