Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
