My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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