i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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