while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
