She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
