I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
