I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
