sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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