Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
