If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ladies don't puke and tell
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My life is pants optional.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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