It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
