I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
