I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
