my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
