At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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