do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize