I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
