Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Never joke about your clitoris.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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