I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
