He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
