The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
