Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
