I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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