I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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