Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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