between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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