Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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