So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
