who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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