the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize