Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
