I love black thongs
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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