My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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