I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
