i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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