Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
