Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
