Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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